Ok so it's been a litle while since my last entry and I have to say that I do have good reason.... Unfortunatly what may not have been easily detected was that I have unfortunatly been suffering post natal depression. Now this isn't the part where everyone stops and says "ohh there there" cos I'll pretty much just follow with a " hmm yeah right ok whatever" (all in my head of cause) outloud you'll probably cop more of a smile and a "oh thanks it's ok". Pfft yeah right it's ok, yeah I enjoy crying about the fact that the baby I just been carrying for 9months growing and moving inside me pops out leaving a trail of distruction to my body and I feel like a crappy babysitter on her first sitter job, wondering what the hell this kids problem is. I'm more focused on wanted to get the kitchen bench tidy and the washing done then playing with this ahhh well ooops my kid.
I get it your thinking this horrible cruel bitch of a mother listen to what she is saying. Well guess who is critisising her even more? Yep me. Myself I'm in my own head telling myself how horrible I am to feel this way, I'm also pretty useless at cleaning and cooking and let's not mention the zero tollerence for a todler that just wants mummys attention. To make it worse too I've become very insecure. Now I realise this and I tell myself I'm being rediculous for thinking the things I'm thinking but do you think I can stop them... Why the hell can't I stop them?!!
Ok soooo here is part of the light at the end of the tunnel. As my bubba has been growing and goo gaaing more to me that emotional distance has began to close, this has bought more smiles than sorrow to me and I'm beginning to feel like a mum again, family support has kicked in too. Fortunatly I have a wonderful and capable grandmother that travels down from her town to mine once a week to help nurse bub ( so I feel like I have arms again ) and to help with washing n sweeping and most importantly talking.
Talking has been a big part of the path to recovery. Talking to ppl that already understand what your going through is good and talking to ppl who just wanna listen is great. One major hurdle though was talking to my partner who when I finally snapped and it was clear I needed help, rang my step mothers phone and said I wasn't fit to be a mother. I understand now he just didn't understand. And I hated him for that, he was supposed to support me and I was screaming out for help n he didn't have the answers I needed.... But thankfully through "discussions" ( many nasty text messages and arguement) we have broken down some of the major problems behind these things going on and on and on and.... Well you get the picture, inside my head.
I'm not fully "fixed" yet ha not sure I'll ever be any kind of "normal" but.... I've mangaed to have a couple of days at seeing the positives in life again....most importantly I'm feeling the bond building with my bub and we've got some plans in place.
I still have my days of tears and struggle to forget about house work (crazy concidering the type of person I was, although that's another story for another day, and I know a little confusing given my blog about my way) but it's amazing how controlling things like guilt and anxiety can be.... So I'm working on that...
All in all I do have my reasons for being slack with my blog but hey I'm re learning to say so what.
Til the next blog stay safe and always remember there is ALWAYS someone who will listen...
Hey I just thought I would let you know that I ended up with depression after both Jack and Bella. It was worse with Jack because I had waited so long to have another baby after my first baby died, I had it in my head I had to be a perfect mother and wasn't allowed to have "normal" parent feelings so of course I felt like a failure. It's not nice when parenting feels so hard. Really hoping that the bad days become less and less for you as time goes on xox
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