Ok so it's been a litle while since my last entry and I have to say that I do have good reason.... Unfortunatly what may not have been easily detected was that I have unfortunatly been suffering post natal depression. Now this isn't the part where everyone stops and says "ohh there there" cos I'll pretty much just follow with a " hmm yeah right ok whatever" (all in my head of cause) outloud you'll probably cop more of a smile and a "oh thanks it's ok". Pfft yeah right it's ok, yeah I enjoy crying about the fact that the baby I just been carrying for 9months growing and moving inside me pops out leaving a trail of distruction to my body and I feel like a crappy babysitter on her first sitter job, wondering what the hell this kids problem is. I'm more focused on wanted to get the kitchen bench tidy and the washing done then playing with this ahhh well ooops my kid.
I get it your thinking this horrible cruel bitch of a mother listen to what she is saying. Well guess who is critisising her even more? Yep me. Myself I'm in my own head telling myself how horrible I am to feel this way, I'm also pretty useless at cleaning and cooking and let's not mention the zero tollerence for a todler that just wants mummys attention. To make it worse too I've become very insecure. Now I realise this and I tell myself I'm being rediculous for thinking the things I'm thinking but do you think I can stop them... Why the hell can't I stop them?!!
Ok soooo here is part of the light at the end of the tunnel. As my bubba has been growing and goo gaaing more to me that emotional distance has began to close, this has bought more smiles than sorrow to me and I'm beginning to feel like a mum again, family support has kicked in too. Fortunatly I have a wonderful and capable grandmother that travels down from her town to mine once a week to help nurse bub ( so I feel like I have arms again ) and to help with washing n sweeping and most importantly talking.
Talking has been a big part of the path to recovery. Talking to ppl that already understand what your going through is good and talking to ppl who just wanna listen is great. One major hurdle though was talking to my partner who when I finally snapped and it was clear I needed help, rang my step mothers phone and said I wasn't fit to be a mother. I understand now he just didn't understand. And I hated him for that, he was supposed to support me and I was screaming out for help n he didn't have the answers I needed.... But thankfully through "discussions" ( many nasty text messages and arguement) we have broken down some of the major problems behind these things going on and on and on and.... Well you get the picture, inside my head.
I'm not fully "fixed" yet ha not sure I'll ever be any kind of "normal" but.... I've mangaed to have a couple of days at seeing the positives in life again....most importantly I'm feeling the bond building with my bub and we've got some plans in place.
I still have my days of tears and struggle to forget about house work (crazy concidering the type of person I was, although that's another story for another day, and I know a little confusing given my blog about my way) but it's amazing how controlling things like guilt and anxiety can be.... So I'm working on that...
All in all I do have my reasons for being slack with my blog but hey I'm re learning to say so what.
Til the next blog stay safe and always remember there is ALWAYS someone who will listen...
Friday, 25 March 2011
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Cos I want to be
Ok so two blogs on one day .... Wow I'm on a roll.
Ok so you know the saying you have to kiss a few frogs/toads before you find your prince well once again a friend has discussed her relationship with my partner and I and unfortunatly I feel she is just kissing a toad in the hopes that he will magic into her prince. BARP wrong answer.
Ok back in the day when we were teenagers it was a case of kids trying to be adults but Hormones left you so amped up you were spinning in circles. Priorities were all over place because you just wanted to have your cake and eat it too always...... But what happens when those hormones settle down, you start to get out on your own and begin to realise that you can't have your cake and eat it too..... Like you know WHEN YOU BECOME AN ADULT.
Excuses are fine while you've got the time to be jerked around, but eventually at some point while kissing a frog you need to stop makeing excuses for why he hasn't yet morphed into your wonderful prince and just except that it ain't gunna happen. And although I understand that relationships aren't all glitter and fairy dust generally the hardest part is finding the true love not getting a guy and trying to make it work. If you struggle to respect yourself than why should anyone else. I try to always say to friends that come to me upset in a relationship. What would you tell me to do? With all the knowledge you have about your relationship imagine it's my relationship and give me advice. If I felt that my "partner" crossed a line in punishing my child or even our child, and I couldn't say to him without confidence that it was the wrong thing for him to do, what happens then? If I'm constantly explaining myself and can't freely discuss my days activities because it's going to upset him... Why bother talking at all? There are few things that need to be thought of. Things like, honestly what role model do you want for you child/children, are the things you want to talk about being met with open ears, eyes and heart, is the behaviour your conducting exceptable and equal. No point asking him to trust you if you don't trust him and no point asking him to trust you if your intentions are only to break that trust with lies.
My partner and I before we even concidered a relationship (he'd just got out of a marrage and I had got sick of kissing frogs just pretending to look for mr prince), made one little relationship "rule" that we were in the relationship because we want to be. I have my ways about me and I don't feel they are unexceptable, they aren't everyones cup of tea ways but they are mine. He has his ways too and where this rule comes into play is that rather than saying it's ok I'll let him hit my kids and talk to me that way cos who else is gunna have me or I have no one to turn to I can't afford to live on my own etc. I let my partner know where I stand on issues like my children and my own self and all I say is that if he doesn't like my behaviour he is free to leave as I feel that is him respecting himself enough not to put up with my behaviour also. However we have managed to make our relationship work by communicating and talking through our problems because each of us respect our selves and each other enough to do so. Not because we have to but because we want to.
If my advice fails to get through to some I ask that they pick up a copy of a little book called "he's just not that into you".
Well that post 3 down woo go me.
.....
Ok so you know the saying you have to kiss a few frogs/toads before you find your prince well once again a friend has discussed her relationship with my partner and I and unfortunatly I feel she is just kissing a toad in the hopes that he will magic into her prince. BARP wrong answer.
Ok back in the day when we were teenagers it was a case of kids trying to be adults but Hormones left you so amped up you were spinning in circles. Priorities were all over place because you just wanted to have your cake and eat it too always...... But what happens when those hormones settle down, you start to get out on your own and begin to realise that you can't have your cake and eat it too..... Like you know WHEN YOU BECOME AN ADULT.
Excuses are fine while you've got the time to be jerked around, but eventually at some point while kissing a frog you need to stop makeing excuses for why he hasn't yet morphed into your wonderful prince and just except that it ain't gunna happen. And although I understand that relationships aren't all glitter and fairy dust generally the hardest part is finding the true love not getting a guy and trying to make it work. If you struggle to respect yourself than why should anyone else. I try to always say to friends that come to me upset in a relationship. What would you tell me to do? With all the knowledge you have about your relationship imagine it's my relationship and give me advice. If I felt that my "partner" crossed a line in punishing my child or even our child, and I couldn't say to him without confidence that it was the wrong thing for him to do, what happens then? If I'm constantly explaining myself and can't freely discuss my days activities because it's going to upset him... Why bother talking at all? There are few things that need to be thought of. Things like, honestly what role model do you want for you child/children, are the things you want to talk about being met with open ears, eyes and heart, is the behaviour your conducting exceptable and equal. No point asking him to trust you if you don't trust him and no point asking him to trust you if your intentions are only to break that trust with lies.
My partner and I before we even concidered a relationship (he'd just got out of a marrage and I had got sick of kissing frogs just pretending to look for mr prince), made one little relationship "rule" that we were in the relationship because we want to be. I have my ways about me and I don't feel they are unexceptable, they aren't everyones cup of tea ways but they are mine. He has his ways too and where this rule comes into play is that rather than saying it's ok I'll let him hit my kids and talk to me that way cos who else is gunna have me or I have no one to turn to I can't afford to live on my own etc. I let my partner know where I stand on issues like my children and my own self and all I say is that if he doesn't like my behaviour he is free to leave as I feel that is him respecting himself enough not to put up with my behaviour also. However we have managed to make our relationship work by communicating and talking through our problems because each of us respect our selves and each other enough to do so. Not because we have to but because we want to.
If my advice fails to get through to some I ask that they pick up a copy of a little book called "he's just not that into you".
Well that post 3 down woo go me.
.....
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
It's just too easy...
My goodness my children know how to demand my attention.
I was hoping to have my own daily blog with wonderous tales of the past and my tid bits of info posted, but I just can't seem to find the time.
I'm currently on maternity leave but have decided that while I'm home tending to my new bubba that I would follow up on some product training that is run through an online national program.... My goodness talk about frying my brain and my eyes.
I'm no stranger to a computer screen but usually on a far more relaxed and casual basis. But when it comes to listening and reading half hour tutorials ( half hr for each product and 50 categories with up to 10 products in each) then completing questionares at the end of a day that's been full of feeding burping changing a new bub along with adapting to a new behaveral plan for a crazy todler.
I give full kudos to the working from home mums out there.
I do confess that organisation isn't my strongest ability. I have a very "living in the now" approach to pretty much everything in my life. I wash clothes the day before if not morning of the day I need to wear that item. I wash dishes once I've run out of dishes to use. I make my kids something to eat when they are asking for food. Etc.
Crazy part about all of that is I do see how living like that probably does make my life a little more overloaded (at least it keeps me constantly busy and nicely distracted) I just can't seem to get myself into the habit of doing things any other way. Why is that?
I know exacly how to fix each of these problems. If I prepared lunch for my kids in the morning or night before while I was preping another meal or just before heading to bed, my following days duty of lunch would already be simpler. If I washed the days clothes at the end of the day my washing wouldn't be so huge that it took me a day or two to do. Etc. I guess the reason I do that is because well that's just me. In a way I can't see a point to changing when the way I do things still gets those jobs done. The end result is still the same.
I do struggle though watching others do things in a different way to what I do. But only when I can see a faster and simpler way to complete that task. Oh how the mind works.
Oh well everyone just keep doing what your doing just make sure your doing it my way (that's a joke for those a little too much on the serious side)
.....
I was hoping to have my own daily blog with wonderous tales of the past and my tid bits of info posted, but I just can't seem to find the time.
I'm currently on maternity leave but have decided that while I'm home tending to my new bubba that I would follow up on some product training that is run through an online national program.... My goodness talk about frying my brain and my eyes.
I'm no stranger to a computer screen but usually on a far more relaxed and casual basis. But when it comes to listening and reading half hour tutorials ( half hr for each product and 50 categories with up to 10 products in each) then completing questionares at the end of a day that's been full of feeding burping changing a new bub along with adapting to a new behaveral plan for a crazy todler.
I give full kudos to the working from home mums out there.
I do confess that organisation isn't my strongest ability. I have a very "living in the now" approach to pretty much everything in my life. I wash clothes the day before if not morning of the day I need to wear that item. I wash dishes once I've run out of dishes to use. I make my kids something to eat when they are asking for food. Etc.
Crazy part about all of that is I do see how living like that probably does make my life a little more overloaded (at least it keeps me constantly busy and nicely distracted) I just can't seem to get myself into the habit of doing things any other way. Why is that?
I know exacly how to fix each of these problems. If I prepared lunch for my kids in the morning or night before while I was preping another meal or just before heading to bed, my following days duty of lunch would already be simpler. If I washed the days clothes at the end of the day my washing wouldn't be so huge that it took me a day or two to do. Etc. I guess the reason I do that is because well that's just me. In a way I can't see a point to changing when the way I do things still gets those jobs done. The end result is still the same.
I do struggle though watching others do things in a different way to what I do. But only when I can see a faster and simpler way to complete that task. Oh how the mind works.
Oh well everyone just keep doing what your doing just make sure your doing it my way (that's a joke for those a little too much on the serious side)
.....
Saturday, 26 February 2011
lets get started
In this day and age of technology, I feel it's about time I really gave this blogging thing a bit of a go.
So firstly welcome to this blog. Feel free to follow on with the updates I hope to actually post.
I admit I attempted this some years ago when I had my first child but soon gave it up as life took motion again.
Let me start with a little about what you can expect from these blogs. I will be posting a great deal about day to day things I come across, topics ranging from talking about my children through to topics that spark an interest in me like music, television and theories on things in life....lol yep can get a little messy on some of those topics. Unfortunately over the years I have learnt that being 100% open and honest doesn't always make you very popular, however i do like to pride myself on providing information that i believe to be correct and will only do this knowing i have substantial evidence to support what i have to say. I'm not sure if this is the way i would have been anyways and just part of my genetic make up or something that has developed over the years after dealing with a family member that was the type of person to argue just for arguments sake.
I hate dealing with people like that. Life can be so much simpler. I guess a few other "types" of people i struggle to understand and tolerate are your general run of the mill "Stupid people" (thank you Bill Engvall), these are the people that struggle with common sense aka Jessica Simpson, and lastly the "victims". I'm sure you know the kinda person I'm talking about. The one that can't see a positive in a situation and everything seems to go wrong for them. They are the unfortunate type that despite all their calls for help and responses received they seem to strangely learn nothing and fall into the same old bad situation. Ohhh I've met my share of all 3 types of these people. Maybe over time I'll get to expand on the lessons i have learnt when dealing with these kinds of people.
So maybe now i could share little background on myself..... I'm a mother to two beautiful children, a boy and a girl.
I grew up in a few small towns, I have now however upgraded to a slightly larger small town, but don't let that lead you to believe that I have not had my fair share of life experiences. Its not just been "argumentative people", "victims" or "stupid people" that i have come across. I have had the pleasure of meeting and sharing parts of my life with some very influential and wonderful people too.
I'm enjoying being settled down where I live now. My partner runs his own business, however I tend to keep myself away from that as it's not exactly the easiest job to do and I prefer him to be my partner not my boss.
Every now and then I will endeavour to go through my numerous photo albums and run through the memories triggered by said photos.
I hope this has been enough information to intrigue you to keep reading. I'm also interested in having questions thrown at me as well. Topics I've had some experience in are raising children as a single parent, relationships, work environments, music tours (ways to earn your backstage pass), difficult and slightly delusional people, becoming a step parent, and I'm always happy to give an opinion, so lets work together and try to make this an enjoyable read for all.
Till the next post stay well...
So firstly welcome to this blog. Feel free to follow on with the updates I hope to actually post.
I admit I attempted this some years ago when I had my first child but soon gave it up as life took motion again.
Let me start with a little about what you can expect from these blogs. I will be posting a great deal about day to day things I come across, topics ranging from talking about my children through to topics that spark an interest in me like music, television and theories on things in life....lol yep can get a little messy on some of those topics. Unfortunately over the years I have learnt that being 100% open and honest doesn't always make you very popular, however i do like to pride myself on providing information that i believe to be correct and will only do this knowing i have substantial evidence to support what i have to say. I'm not sure if this is the way i would have been anyways and just part of my genetic make up or something that has developed over the years after dealing with a family member that was the type of person to argue just for arguments sake.
I hate dealing with people like that. Life can be so much simpler. I guess a few other "types" of people i struggle to understand and tolerate are your general run of the mill "Stupid people" (thank you Bill Engvall), these are the people that struggle with common sense aka Jessica Simpson, and lastly the "victims". I'm sure you know the kinda person I'm talking about. The one that can't see a positive in a situation and everything seems to go wrong for them. They are the unfortunate type that despite all their calls for help and responses received they seem to strangely learn nothing and fall into the same old bad situation. Ohhh I've met my share of all 3 types of these people. Maybe over time I'll get to expand on the lessons i have learnt when dealing with these kinds of people.
So maybe now i could share little background on myself..... I'm a mother to two beautiful children, a boy and a girl.
I grew up in a few small towns, I have now however upgraded to a slightly larger small town, but don't let that lead you to believe that I have not had my fair share of life experiences. Its not just been "argumentative people", "victims" or "stupid people" that i have come across. I have had the pleasure of meeting and sharing parts of my life with some very influential and wonderful people too.
I'm enjoying being settled down where I live now. My partner runs his own business, however I tend to keep myself away from that as it's not exactly the easiest job to do and I prefer him to be my partner not my boss.
Every now and then I will endeavour to go through my numerous photo albums and run through the memories triggered by said photos.
I hope this has been enough information to intrigue you to keep reading. I'm also interested in having questions thrown at me as well. Topics I've had some experience in are raising children as a single parent, relationships, work environments, music tours (ways to earn your backstage pass), difficult and slightly delusional people, becoming a step parent, and I'm always happy to give an opinion, so lets work together and try to make this an enjoyable read for all.
Till the next post stay well...
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